A black mantle. A great unknown. Something that has been frightening me lately: the future. Up until now it had had quite a pragmatic role in my life. It forced me to arm myself with means such as planning, efficiency and calculation so as to be able to shape my revolutionary everyday life as well as possible. Only rarely did I stop to think about the future, or feel uneasy or frightened by it. Of course such feelings overwhelmed me at times, when I allowed the madness of this world to overcome me or when my life was touched by some crucial event. But I always told myself that it’s pointless hiding one’s head in the sand.
Because that wouldn’t alter the fact that we find ourselves in a desert of solitude, alienation and misery produced ad hoc, and changing that requires the direct action of each individual to undermine the desert with determination, anger and solidarity, to create something on an anti-authoritarian basis that will never tolerate the existence of power for the exercise of authority.
Driven by the will to put this into practice, my doubts, fears and uneasiness about the future were always cast aside. Anything that was far away never really interested me.
But since I have been on the run, my approach to the question of the future has changed drastically. Having been torn away from my daily habits overnight and leave everything behind apart from my subversive ideas, I find myself in a situation where I have to think seriously about my imminent future and the far off one too. In both cases it’s the uncertainty that scares me but at the same time it allows me to better know myself.
At last I understand in my heart why so many refugees, with whom I have struggled, care little about the future yet put all their hopes in it. For as soon as one realises that one has been robbed of the future, it is something that’s missing even if it never existed. A paradox that, now, hardly raises a weary smile. So it’s not just fleeing the law but also the future, which because of this situation seems so unclear and alien and with no certainty. A future that one must live almost completely without a past – without history, without identity.
But as an anarchist I feel like facing this unknown as a duty and a challenge, and consider the cold water that I have to dive into something refreshing that widens the horizon. Because in my situation, keeping a cool head and a warm heart is extremely important.